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A Message from the publisher...March 24, 2003 |
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The weekend of March 24th, I was puzzled that I had the same conversation with four different women and then heard a sermon about a similar subject. Listening to Bishop Eddie Long’s sermon at New Birth, the weekend of March 24th made me think about a lot of things. Bishop Long talked about getting yourself right before you point fingers at others and how we value the wrong things. His points were that we as a society make excuses as to why we can’t succeed, how a lack of communication is failing our relationships and how we put more emphasis in material things vs. material values. His sermon was powerful and moved him and others to tears. I was moved that a man with such power could be brought to tears by simply talking about some of the same topics that I had with these four women. Bishop Long is an incredible speaker and pastor. To make a long story short, the topic kept coming up about women’s relationships with men. My statement was simply that we don’t spend enough time getting to know ourselves as well as each other. Communication is key! My personal opinion, through observation is that there are good men all around you ladies, but they may not come in the package you are looking for. Let’s face it, we all have preferences, but I have SEVERAL blue collar friends who tell me all the time that they get shot down before they get a chance to step up to the plate and because they may not be six feet tall or present the image of success. I see it go down myself all the time. Many of the highly desired brothers that women seek have issues. Many of the highly desired women brothers seek have issues. The conclusion… women and men that may not fit the mold of most end up loosing and we fail ourselves. Quit limiting your options!!!! After one conversation I had with a young lady, she said please write an article to your database telling other women what you told me, I informed her that I would do so. Having a 30 something year old sister and a few close female friends, I often have conversations with them about these same issues. (It is important to have a close male friend or female friend to talk to when you have doubts or questions about the other sex). My sister as well as other women I know are strong sisters who have challenges finding brothers who can handle their independence. I admit that there are more than a few men that have issues with a woman making more money than them, having more success than them and being outspoken. I feel it starts at home with upbringing. I grew up with strong black women, who called their own shots; therefore I am attracted to women who call their own shots. A man who is reared in a household where the woman is treated as an object or a servant will expect his woman to be the same. "Never downplay your accomplishments" Ladies, it is important to find out in your initial conversation with a man how he feels about women and what type of relationship he has with his mother, what type of relationships he has had in the past with other women. Never tell a man directly what you do initially, it’s not important !! Let him get to know you as the person and not by the profession. If you are a doctor, tell him you work in the medical field assisting whatever specialty you have. If you are the Vice-President of a bank, then you work for a bank serving the needs of your customers (be vague). You don’t win points by telling certain men that you are more successful than they are. Once you have spent more time getting to know him over a month or two (notice I said a month or two, not a week or two), if it feels right, tell him a little bit more about yourself. By this time, hopefully you will have met the true person and not their representative. Don't make the mistake of sleeping with him within the first week, you will loose, wait at least a two months or more, make him earn what should be your most valued possession! Treat finding a mate like looking for a job, do your research! Many women get caught up in the initial appearance and material possessions of a man vs. the quality and content of the individual. Yes men are physical and women are emotional, but eventually, you will have to put that to the side and determine what’s important to you. Do I want a man who is fine and has nothing else to offer? Or do I want a man who has my back mentally, physically and emotionally! I have twelve friends that have been married. Out of those twelve friends, three are still married, what's wrong with that picture??? A message to my single women with sons, you are raising someone’s future husband!!! Don’t be soft on him because he will eventually be soft on other woman throughout his life! Last but not least, Love and respect yourself first before you try to love someone else. Let whatever past issues you have had with other men go!!!! The new man never gets a fare chance to show you what he has to offer!!! Many times men can see your anger without ever approaching you! Why men never approach me when I am out??? Check yourself, you are either part of the problem or part of the solution!
Vincent P. McCant Founder and Publisher ATLANTAHAPPS.COM
Vince, I read your article. You know we've always agreed on most social issues. Once again, I agree. I believe you touched on what I'm about to say by mentioning that it takes a month or two to see the real person and not the representative. I think the fact that women and men act is another issue. We should all be actors and actresses due to the fact that's what all human's due daily... at work with colleagues, at church among the "church folk", and even at home in front of our families. We cannot always show the true side of self because daily we are changing. What we think today about a certain thing might be totally different in what we think about the same thing next week. Believe it or not, I believe that we can't control all of our thoughts. Sometimes things just pop into our minds and how we react to it is the real deal. Now this is just my opinion. I can only go by what I've learned, witnesses, and experienced in my 25 years of life. In essence, black people should stop thinking that we are the only one's with issues, we aren't! We are just a unit of people who are hard on one another because we refrain from viewing the issues of other races. If we sat down and got to know a White, Asian, or Latino woman... we would find similar issues. The manner in which we handle them are also similar. There are differences... don't get me wrong, but often I feel like the black community is not really up for the fight of getting things done and corrected within ourselves. We are great at talking about it and acting as if we are the only race with "issues". After that... we're done. We'll just say... "Whew, that was a great conversation.". Several of my friends even read your article and liked it. Still we won't make many changes though. I say WE, because I'm just as guilty. Daily I see things that I do in my relationship with my significant other that I know I just simply shouldn't do. There are things that I could have left unsaid. There are things that I should have said. It's all about wanting to be conditioned. It's similar to other things in life... wanting to run a marathon, wanting to lose weight, wanting to graduate from college, etc. Until we are ready to face certain feats in life, we won't change. With that said, many of us understand the issues within the relationships with black women and men... we just aren't ready to commit to making a change within ourselves. We would rather everyone else around us change so that life for us won't be ruffled in any way. It's not even just a black thing... it's a human thing. Overall, we don't like or enjoy change. We need to learn to buck the system. Even if we're too stubborn to learn how to communicate with and love unconditionally as well as skillfully and intelligently... we should at least teach our children. Not just loving our mate, but we all need to be taught how to communicate with and love our family, sista-friends, and the fellas. Meaning, we should know how to communicate and love everyone in the black community. A sista at the hair salon should be able to greet and communicate with the other sista who's in the same shop every week... right beside her getting her hair done instead of getting under the dryer and acting like she doesn't see the sista. We just never know who might need a kind word. Who's life we can touch simply by conversation. That's love right there. But hey... that's another topic for another day. ~Mo
From left to Right Vince McCant (ATLANTAHAPPS.COM), Marvin Arrington (SWATS.COM, BLACK CINEMA CAFE, MUSIC AND FILMLAW.COM), R.M. Lathan (VIP UNIVERSAL. COM, BLACK CINEMA CAFE, VIP FRIDAYS AT VISIONS)
From left to Right Vince McCant (ATLANTAHAPPS.COM) , Magic Man (On-Air Personality V-103)Photo credits by JiMi Flix. To view recent pictures from Black Cinema Cafe, click here
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