1) Is Black Atlanta doing more to create a greater divide or separation and segregation amongst Black & White folks? I've had more than a few conversations regarding this topic with other Black folks, and most recently with a middle aged White couple this past Saturday at a restaurant. What are your thoughts?

Sterling writes:

I think that Atlanta in general is too segregated for its own good. On the same token that I don't go to too many underground punk shows b/c I'm not in the mood to see people get a little too drunk and a little too carried away, I'm also not into going out to certain clubs on certain nights b/c a lot of "brothers" get a little too carried away and a little too disrespectful. Seriously, I can't see myself going to a place where I have to treat my significant other like my keys and wallet--close to me at all times. I'm not sure if sections of Black Atlanta segregate themselves by choice (sometimes, I wonder about some of the dreads n' incense peeps-- sometimes :p ), or if they create an environment in which nobody wants to be around them because they're annoying ("Pseudo-Baller Night" at Klub [Klub, Klub, Klub] insert cutely misspelled name here ). And I'm not just pointing the finger at Black Atlanta (Va-Highland people annoy me, too), but I'm focusing upon Kebo's question. Then again, I'm still a cat from Oakland, and I guess my exposure to other people has been different from what people in Georgia have seen. I've seen people post stuff to the Hushbox about Latinos that would have them kissing an ice pack in virtually any other major city. Atlanta is having to diversify faster than it's been ready to; some people would argue that it's unfortunate that Atlanta is having to diversify. I think it's more unfortunate that it wasn't ready in the first place.

Shelli B. writes:

Having just moved here in July, and being white... I cannot say that I have felt any segregation at all. In fact, I have wonderful friends of all color and creed. What you stand for is much more important to me. It doesn't matter what you are on the outside, it is far more important to me of what is on the inside. The connections I make with others are a direct representative of my own beliefs. One thing I will speak about is the dating scene. I have dated a couple of black men. I have felt some prejudice more in this arena from both men and women. It is not my intent to take away anything from anyone; nor do I date solely on race either. When I meet someone I am interested in, I enjoy getting to know the 'person' he is but then again... isn't that the point?.

T. Boyd writes:

Actually I don't believe Atlanta is doing things to segregate the whites from the blacks with the exception of the flag. However I feel black folks are too busy causing division amongst themselves. It's sad that we are God's chosen people, yet we build some much hatred and animosity towards each other until it is ridiculous. As oppose to most blacks speaking to each other, or even smiling at one another, they prefer to avoid making eye contact all together. And I ask you, what harm is it to smile? And that goes for both male and female. I think what they all fail to realize is that just because a person smiles at you, doesn't mean they are trying to get with you. I think it's called simple common courtesy, which a lot of people, especially black people are lacking these days. And blacks are quickly to prejudge everyone based on outward appearance, when it could be soo much easier to get to know the person and see what's in their head and heart, which is what truly matters the most. The bottom line is God is the only one who can judge us. Therefore we as a people need to realize where there is unity there is strength, so we need to come together versus using the old crab in a bucket affect, trying to pull the other person down.

Brent D. writes:

Sure, they always have, southern blacks (not all, by no means) but a larger number than most people think are segregationist in my opinion. I've always noticed that black folk in the south really don't care to co-mingle with white folks. Like they say, their literally -still fighting the Civil War down here, still talking about the Confederate Battle Flag. It's weird to tell you the truth. Because you'll go to Chicago or New York, and you never hear (like in Atlanta) the race of the criminal so much a lot of little things like that make folks just want to stick with their own. Not me, but I ain't mad at'em.

Rebecca W.

As a White woman who appreciates the company of all cultures and races, I moved to Atlanta in 2000 thinking I had chosen a progressive community in which to live. I have been overwhelmed by the amount of hate cast in my direction anytime I am in public with a Black man. Not from ignorant Whites, but from Black women who blatantly show their disgust and attempt to intimidate my companion. What are they afraid of? I am equally dismayed by the insistence of the majority of Black promoters to create and market events and social organizations that are openly separatist, a practice that would not be tolerated from White promoters. Add to that the constant "White hate" that spews out of Atlanta's highest rated FM radio station, thinly disguised as morning humor. Does all this succeed in keeping me in my place, away from the culture, music and friends of my choice? No. But it is causing me to consider leaving a good job and a beautiful home for a community where people are living for the future, not in the past.

Nancy L. writes:

I don't think Black people are doing a great deal to bridge the racial divide in Atlanta (I am a Black woman, by the way). Socially, Atlanta is still pretty segregated. I think that for the most part people are comfortable doing things that they are used to doing and sticking to environments that are comfortable for them. Where you find an ethnically diverse crowd, you find like-minded people; people who don't limit themselves to doing typically "Black" or "White" activities and who have been exposed to cultural diversity in other areas of their lives. That being said, you'll still probably find more Black people stepping out into areas that are unfamiliar (perceived as "White" activities) than you will find White people spending time at predominantly Black events. I mean, they are the dominant culture so many activities that are perceived as neutral or normal by them are perceived as "White" by some Black people.

Kim A. writes:

I don't think that Black Atlanta per se is doing this but merely trying to provide Atlantans that are of African descent an opportunity to commune with opportunity. Opportunity to explore our cultural roots, a diverse nightlife that they may not be exposed to normally and that there are other opportunities for career and business advancement than the normal methodologies. However, I believe there is a divide that exists within the city with certain events when they appear to draw more of an African American Audience or patronage.

Shari writes:

In part, yes, I DO believe that Black Atlanta is doing more to create a greater divide. However, I don't believe it's just Atlanta and I don't think it's just related to the dating scene. I liken my viewpoint to Jewish folks who act "as if" Hitler directly 'bombarded' them and think that everyone is anti-Semitic Southerners who are still fighting the Civil War who can't stand the Northerners that have moved to Atlanta and created a whole new and prosperous Atlanta...What I mean is, there are those Blacks who are still living in the slavery era and believe that the world - specifically Whites - owes them something for the bombastic behavior they were forced to deal with. It's the Blacks that maintain that "attitude" that are doing more to create segregation. It's those Blacks that I, as a White person, would prefer to have nothing to do with and it's those Blacks that are creating the expansed segregation under the guise of wanting there to be no barriers with respect to race. And, to add fuel to the fire - the whole EEOC thing perpetuates this attitude as well... how 'bout if we all just get hired to a job because of the contribution that we can bring to the business instead of being hired because we're Black or not hired because we're not. Embedded in the whole EEOC thing, one could debate, is reverse discrimination!!! There are other folks of varying racial origin who may not be hired because a Black person HAS to be hired.... what's up with that?!?!?!Of course, you can countermand all that with the fact that there's a lot of Whites that have an "attitude" as well.... there ARE those Whites who believe that Blacks should still be slaves and such... By the same token, I don't want anything to do with those folks either....So, when ya boil it all down... how 'bout if we just table all the racial, ethnic and "background" stuff and realize that to keep bubbling up those issues is living in the past... now, why would we wanna keep doing that?!?!?!?! People are people the world-over... we all have the same "needs", we all experience the same "feelings", and we all have the same basic gene structure....Makes me wanna break out in song... "I'd like to teach the world to sing, in perfect harmony"... and "C'mon people now, smile upon your brother... "... LOL.

2) What's up with all the in the closet bisexual men in Atlanta? I have had more than a few conversations with women who constantly complain about meeting men that are in the closet and hide that fact until a more appropriate time when getting to know a woman. If you're dating a man ladies, you might want to drive by club 708 and make sure he is not standing in line to get inside on "Boys Night"

Shelli B. writes:

Here is my theory... if you are going to CHOOSE to not disclose to your partner in hopes they will be more understanding, then be prepared for the consequences. You may just gain feelings for that person only to have them dump you for your being dishonest. Who wins then? Why not put yourself out there for what it is and let them choose. Then what you receive back is not putting either person in a position of being hurt. Honesty IS the best policy. And for the sake of having to drive by anywhere to find my man.. I don't think so- Next!

T. Boyd writes:

I think the problem here is that a lot of men are very selfish, in fact people in general are for that matter. However what they fail to realize is why do things to others that you don't want done to you. And in the cases of men, things they wouldn't want done to their mother, sisters, or daughters. They need to be honest with themselves. If their interest is in men, then so be it. Regardless of what people may think or feel, God is the only one who can judge them. Also society has changed soo much that even though we may not like it, we can accept it. Versus you going crazy trying to be somebody you are not. Me personally if a man ever asks me what I'm looking for in a man, I don't even bother to tell them. I tell them to be themselves. Because if you try to be who I want you to be, I would be bonding with a fake. It's only a matter of time, before the real you will come out. At that point time has passed, and I may not like the real you, and that's time wasted. Therefore if you're yourself from the beginning, it's up to me to decide early on whether or not you're who I want to be with. So if a man feels because he's ashamed of the lifestyle he has chosen, and if it's going to involve someone else who may get hurt, I simply say daunt be. Folks may not like it, but in the end they'll respect you. I suggest reading some of E. Lynn Harris books, and that will help make them more comfortable with themselves. It's hard for a woman to accept the fact that a man is cheating on her with another woman, but when he is cheating with another man, that's an entirely different situation, which causes much disgust in us. Bottom line is if that's a lifestyle that a person has chosen, then find ways to become happy with that lifestyle. Daunt straddle the fence, or have your cake and ice cream to. Choose one side, and for that matter one person. Life is too dangerous round here with all of the diseases running wild. Monogamy is best, and if it's a man that makes another man happy, then they should be monogamous to one another. Plain and simple.

Kim A. writes:

I personally have not experienced this but I know that it exists and have heard that many feel that their persona in business and other aspects needs to be protected so they don't expose their mixed sexual content.

Shari writes:

Closet bisexual men?!?!?! Hmmm... I'm gonna have to pass on this one... I've not experienced this and didn't realize there were so many!!!However, I do agree with the theory that be prepared for the consequences of not being honest... it's selfish, self-serving, childish, disrespectful, manipulative, and controlling to not "disclose" the truth to anyone and then expect honesty and respect in return. It just reeks of Bill Cosby's joke about the kid getting caught reaching up in the cabinet to get a cookie when told not to and then gets caught and says "I was getting the cookie for you"... C'mon - not ALL of us are still behaving like 6 year olds... some of us HAVE actually grown up and gotten beyond these antics!!!! Why don't you join us?!?!!? It's really a lot more fun in "reality-land"... 'cause when you're actually IN "reality-land" you can actually create your own "fantasy-land"... OOH - what a concept, huh?!?!?!?Take responsibility and be accountable for your own behavior and give everyone else the respect to do the same. How DARE anyone "spring" something like this on anyone after they've offered their heart and love...?

3) Does a wedding ring mean anything anymore? With the significant number of single women in this town, there is this perception, reality for many, that men can have the pick of the litter, with a significant number of these men being married. Chime in!

Shelli B. writes:

Yes... more often than not it means open season for noncommittal relationships that lack values, intimacy, and trust? Be careful what you wish for... Clean up what is on your plate first, whether you are the one dating a married person, or the cheating spouse. Having the best of both worlds in the long run may also give you the worst of both worlds. Besides.. Are you a man or a coward? This goes for the princess/women too!

T. Boyd writes:

Me personally, when I see someone who I find attractive, the next thing I look at is his ring finger. That's how I'm programmed. Therefore if there is a ring or signs that a ring was there and has been taken off then I daunt even bother. And will make it perfectly clear I have no interest in being involved with a married man. Furthermore, I definitely daunt listen to the lie anymore that he is unhappily married. I feel if a man says he's unhappily married, then he needs to make some changes. He needs to either find happiness in that marriage, or if there is no way for happiness to be there, then he needs to leave it. There is no reason whatsoever to get involved with a married man, PERIOD! Women have to have be aware of the fact, that what goes around, comes right on back around. Therefore if you're involved with a married man, what do you think is going to happen when you get married? Or if you take a man from his wife/woman, what do you think is going to happen down the road. We also have to realize, if we are willing to be involved with him, because "he has feelings for us", or "he cares about us", or "he loves us", we are selling ourselves short. Because how much love can he have for you, and he married a woman, who he claimed he love, but is cheating on her. And we as woman, make it soo easy for them to get away with this. I once read an article, I believe it was in Essence which said, it's funny how women will not share the same underwear, but will share the same man. Ladies wake up! Yes, we get lonely, yes we want romance, yes we want someone to cuddle with on those cold winter nights, but if it's a lie is it worth it? Because if you're sharing a man, you're living a lie. When the time that really matters come, such as holidays, family reunions, where will you be? Alone, all depressed because he cant get away. Trust me those few moments of joy, are not worth it when those special days come around. And you can try to fool yourself into believing it's all good, but deep in your heart you know it's not. You know God made us very emotional and sensitive, so you do care, and daunt want to be left alone when it matters the most. Oh, and let us not forget the brothers who are married and don't wear a ring and tell the lie that they aren't married. That's just trifling.

Brent D. writes:

Sure a wedding ring means something, on the right finger, on the wrong finger --no it means zero. But those are individual cases in my opinion. We as human's are driven by misery, it's sad but true, if you really really thing about it. We feel a little better --that we have something better than the next guy. That we make more money. That are apparel is better ...the whole nine. That's why we dwell on spouse cheaters instead of folks that are committed and working through and building in their relationships. One more thing, look at the news, to look at the news you'd think there was a little war going on overnight in Atlanta, but shooting, stabbings, spouse cheaters are what we focus on, you hardly hear about all the good stuff that happens.

Joann writes:

A wedding ring - and the vows that go along with it, 'should' be a lifelong commitment. Temptation is a part of life... in other words, there will ALWAYS be attractive, available women willing to deal with married men (and vice versa). It is up to the individual that is married to "just say no"...

KR writes:

Me personally, I do not see any significance in wearing a wedding ring. I'm a married brotha who has been married for 14 years to my high school sweetheart. I'm an artist, poet/rapper/ businessman who travel in a well diverse group of circles and me wearing a wedding band has never been a subject of conversation. For all that matters, NO ONE KNOWS I'M MARRIED BUT MY CLOSE FRIENDS and I chose to keep it that way. Once women find out your married it changes the course of conversation and can ruin some personal and business relationships. Come on, we can't play dumb here, everyone knows wedding bands attract more women than not wearing one. My attitude is that grown folks are going to do what they want to, wedding band or not, if your gonna play, YOUR GONNA PLAY!

Kim A. writes:

Speaking from what I have observed, I would say no. I am single and have never been married but I have stretched the truth on occasion and said that I was married to persuade unsuitable suitors utilizing a ring as a supposed deterrent. It does not work men still pursue.

Shari writes:

I really want to believe that it does... PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE let me... make be believe this. 'Cause I have to admit, even when I see a wedding ring - and trust me... women ALWAYS look (we look to see if there's "tan lines" where a wedding ring 'ought to be' too!!), I make the naive assumption that the man is married... and happily married to boot. I'm thinkin' if they're not happily married, then DO something about it one way or the other... either learn how to re-create the feelings that led them to marry or get divorced... but don't "mess" with someone else's emotions... see response to question 2. I mean really, certainly at one time or another you loved this person enough to marry 'em... why would you want to destroy someone you once loved. I agree with the "clean up your plate" first before eating off another plate!!!! There's the "flip-side" of this theory as well... and this is REALLY sick. I actually had someone tell me that I should start wearing my wedding ring again (I'm a widow) because it would attract more men!!!! Talk about SICK THINKING!!! However, it goes along with the premise of this question... there are soooo many that are so terrified of commitment, soooo terrified at being honest... and all that other stuff, that they believe that this "ruse" will actually serve them well in the long run... oh wait... they're not even thinking of the long run, now, are they?!?!?! Silly me, there I go again donning my Pollyanna costume thinking that everyone's pure and chaste... when everything points to that I should be donning my Elvira costume instead!!! LOL. Which again, takes me back to my response to question 2... the whole be responsible and accountable for your behavior... hmmm... wonder why THAT keeps coming up!!!!!!

4) What's up with the significant number of women willing to date or get to know married men on a more than friendly basis? Is being alone really so bad that a significant number of women are willing to date these same married men from above? Well?

Shelli B. writes:

If all you can receive/offer is superficial, don't be surprised if superficial is all that you get/offer in the long run. Not to mention a hefty alimony bill! And women... if you DO catch the cheating spouse, be forewarned you may have that alimony taken from the mouth that will be feeding you. If you want to have an adult and meaningful relationship, start by looking at what you have to offer and then look at what you will receive back. Then look at your intent for a relationships. Are they all on the same page? Sometimes the desire to be part of something, whether it be work, relationships, family, etc is far greater that the hurt of being alone. Do you know people fear being alone far more than they fear death? Being alone and being lonely are TWO different things. Being alone means I am happy with my life (for the most part) where being lonely brings up the tendency for codependency in relationships in that we must have someone in our lives to validate my own worth. Did I mention what lessons these actions are teaching children? Pretend you are having a conversation with your daughter regarding some man, or your son regarding some women; what would YOUR advice be to them?

Jerden writes:

I believe there is a shortage of "available" men in Atlanta. Although I'm not willing to date someone elses man, I understand why many women in Atlanta do. Take a look at some of the social gatherings here. Ever notice there are very few couples in attendance, but many groups of women. Where are all of the men???

T. Boyd writes:

It's call lack of respect for themselves, and for one another. Is being alone really so bad that a significant number of women are willing to date these same married men from above? Well? Being alone does have it's moments of loneliness, but in my opinion not enough to be involved with a married man. There is no justifiable reason whatsoever to be involved with someone who is married.

Brent D. writes:

Straight up, women have more game than dudes. And if you're dealing with women who are high on the food chain, watch out because they ain't trying to hear nothing that's not pleasant to them. I personally think their a bit hypersensitive, ready to jump your ass if they remotely smell control or to some extent --machoism. It's tough because I'm old school and I am not changing. Even though, when I was single, I loved the women that were 'very high on the food chain'. But back to the question, yea, women are taking on, alot of traits of men, not always are good traits. Men entering into relationships need, I-hate-to-say to watch their hearts, chic's are kinda/sorta trying to make up for past indiscretions committed against them.

Joann writes:

No, being alone is not bad at all. The problem is that many people confuse being 'alone' with being 'lonely'; an individual can be in a crowded room and be 'lonely'. Time alone is an opportunity to learn about yourself, to grow as an individual, to learn to LOVE oneself. As far as why some women are willing to date married men, there are various reasons. The most prevalent reason I've heard is that married men are viewed as safe... they don't have to 'commit' to that person. That person is there when you need a 'piece' and gone otherwise. :-)

Kim A. writes:

A great deal of women are craving for quality attention. They want to be treated with respect and wined and dined and from what I have heard married men if only part time know how to treat women. However, I have never dated a married man and will not because I hold marriage as a sacred entity entered into between those individuals and God. I would never want to plant that ugly seed because I want to be married one day.

Shari writes:

What's up with this?!?!? Ooh, this is an EASY one... after being in the "mid-life" dating world for about 6 years now, I can usually tell you within 10 minutes of meeting a man, why he's divorced... which solidifies the theory that "all the good ones are taken"... Know what?!?!? We want a taste of the good ones too!!!! We just wanna know what it's like, if even for a little while. Don't get me wrong, 'cause I'll take ya back to the response of question 2 again.. LOLOL... I'm not saying it's the right thing to do - I'm providing the "insight"... Another reason is... it's "safe". So many of us are also so terrified of being "burned" again - in one way or another - we take the safe route and burn ourselves before someone else can... so we latch on to a married man... thereby "burning" ourselves by not being able to have something we think we want and by protecting ourselves from being "burned" because he's already committed.. (and probably should be for doing what he's doing anyway... OOPS - that question 2 response slipped in here again - didn't it... LOL). Or, if you're EVEN thinking that this man is going to divorce his wife for you - you're in serious denial and have just classified yourself as a "master of delusion"!!! Don't you realize that he keeps telling you that because he knows how to "play" on your emotions?!?! Women think men are stupid when it comes to understanding women - however, if ya really step back and think about it - they're pretty damn smart... they know EXACTLY how to keep us "hooked"... of course, it's the very things they "play on" to keep us hooked that are the very things so many of us women are lacking... our "emotional" buttons turn into lack of self-respect, our "compassion" turns into self-degradation... and so on... Women are the ones who are moreso stupid than men... men keep behaving this way because we continue to allow it... hmmm... now, there's a "chin-scratcher" for ya, huh? And, besides, would you really want a man who divorced his wife for you?!?!?! What makes you think he wouldn't do it to you too?!?!?! And do you have that little respect for other women that you'd allow a man to hurt another woman like that... and then believe that he'd be your "knight"?!?!?!? WAKE UP AND SMELL THE COFFEE!!!! And yeah - regarding the "next generation"... they're all friggin terrified to get "involved" because they see the "wonderful" job we're doing with all that!!!! We just keep perpetuating the problem. Our kids are going into relationships with divorce on their minds before they even think of getting married. I had one 21 year old put it to me this way... "Ya get married, ya get divorced, ya live happily ever after"... It's another fine mess we got us into, Ollie!!! Let's all stand up and thank ERA and our desire to bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan... In theory that all sounded good... how has it worked for us so far!?!?! While on the business front, it was certainly a welcome revamping of societal thinking - however, from a relationship / marriage standpoint - it really screwed things up... and I would be remiss if I didn't say that it's mostly our (women's) fault... we want it "both ways"... we want to bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, yet we also want men to be "men" the way they used to be and we want men to be "women" from an emotional standpoint... That would all be well and fine if we didn't "change the rules" on a whim or based on hormones... We have GOT to learn how to let men be men again... in many ways - we have totally emasculated them... and then we have the nerve to engage in "male bashing" on top of it all... and we wonder what the hell is going on!??!?!?! (You're gonna have to read between the lines throughout that whole response... it gets VERY involved!!! LOL)

5) Why are there many gay men that pretend to be straight, marry, have kids then tell their wives 5-10 years later? That question is courtesy of a Hushbox Hunnie.

Shelli B. writes:

Out of fear of not being accepted. When our fear of not being 'part of' is greater than being able to express who we are. and this question is not solely for gay men. Each and every person has the same issue until we come to a place of not taking things personally by living life based on what others think.

T. Boyd writes:

Because they feel ashamed of the lifestyle they have chosen. The feel embarrassed as to how their friends and family will react. Their mothers probably have pressured them into having grandchildren. So they do what they feel is right in their hearts, but in actually is not making them happy. I guess it's that invisible life that we have read about in E. Lynn's books.

Nancy L. writes:

Not being a gay man, but a straight woman, I can only speculate why a gay man would marry only to tell his wife the truth years later. I think that it's difficult to live as a societal outcast. I think that sometimes people try to do what society or their family tells them they should do. They suppress their authentic selves because they think it's what's right at the time. But living a lie ain't easy and I imagine that although they have love for their wives and children, they have to be who they are at some point. I'm sure it's devastating for families, but quite liberating for the spirit.

6) Why is it that women continue to make the assumption that there is an overall lack of good men? This baffles me. As a good man myself, I struggle to meet good women who can relate to my experience as a well read, well traveled cat with legitimate sources of income, looks and dresses a bit different and appreciates LIVING life outside the box, but I'm certainly not the one out carrying a banner saying there are no good women. Please elaborate!

Shelli B. writes:

I don't think there is an overall lack of good men. I do feel there is only a select few great men 'for me.' I am unique and special. It will take a very unique and special man to penetrate this heart.

Jerden writes:

I too have struggled, unsuccessfully, to find a good man who can relate to my experiences, accomplishments and is willing to share good times with. I also do not carry a banner saying that there are no "good" men. However, I will say that it is hard to find "good" men that are "available" and willing to get into a meaningful relationship.

T. Boyd writes:

Women say that, because after encounter, after encounter, after encounter of Mister Wrong, they have developed an image that there is a lack of good men. Or they have accepted the fact that most of the good men are taking. However in defense of men, I do believe there are some good men still available, just as there are some good women still available. A lot of them have encountered the wrong kind of women themselves. However what makes the situation hard is because we (myself included) are caught up on looks. Regardless of what the old folks use to say, which was it's not how a person looks on the outside, but how they are on the inside. Reality.... If a person is not attractive to you on the outside, you're not going to waste time trying to find out how they are on the inside. So with a lot of women having the same "standards" in guys, as far as looks go, that makes it hard for one guy who may fit those standards, ( surrounded by 10 women who want him), to become that good men that we as women want, Therefore we say there is a shortage of. Which leaves a lot of men who may not be as appealing, (but have a good heart and know how to treat a woman), still out there alone.

Brent D. writes:

I read that Newsweek article with Star and Beyonce and rest of them sista's. I don't believe that for a second, I know to many great cats that are single. Women, I love em, Lord knows I do. But if were talking about black women, there are plenty of brothers to tell you truth, women have really got sprung on rappers, athletes and all that's flossy. Nothing wrong with wanting a man high on the food chain, but if sista's would just choose and build with regular brothers, (like there mothers did) they could have all of that floss, quicker than most of them think. We'd have a whole different attitude about what's going on between brother's and sista's Sista's are real picky and have little or no patience, with what they may perceive is lack of respect for their position's and or higher learning. I personally have no problem with it, because I'm the same way, I like the women who are high on the food chain too.

Joann writes:

There are definitely good men out there... most have already been 'found' by someone else...lol Seriously, I think that most people have no real idea what qualities are most important to them. Many people simply go for looks and/or money. If more of us took the time to figure out the qualities we would like in a partner (intelligence, sense of humor, community activism, child-rearing philosophy, financial stability, etc.), and ranked them in order of importance, then it would be easier to spot YOUR "good man" when he comes along.

Nancy L. writes:

As far as the "no good Black men" myth goes, I can offer my opinion. Women are particular. "No good men" means "no good men that I like". They may be a little too broke. A little too short. Kind of overweight. He has that funny accent. He's too nice. He's bo-ring....etc. It's not that easy to find someone that you click with and it's even more difficult when one limits their options to the kind of men they are used to. Then we have to consider how we define "good". That he has a couple of degrees and a high paying or prestigious position? That he has a fairly stable job and doesn't cheat? That he spends lots of time with you and the kids? That he makes sure you don't have to work after you get married? That he may not have a job, but he can hold an intelligent conversation about world affairs and foreign films and he rubs your feet and has dinner started when you get home from work? What is "good" is so subjective. One woman's trash is another woman's treasure. Maybe we should have a citywide "bring your ex" party like they did on Sex and the City!

Larry L. writes:

I normally don't respond to many emails, but this one couldn't be passed up. In response to #6 directly and #3 indirectly, one thing that I think men and women fail to understand, particularly in the African American community, is that while the numbers may favor women to men - I've found that the ratio of good eligible men (however you want to define that) to good eligible women is closer to 1 to 1 than most believe. It's been my experience that of the ,say, 10 women in a room - you probably have to weed out 5 crazy, deranged ones, 2 that aren't attractive to you, which leaves you 3 to try to mesh a lifestyle with - admittedly a hard thing to do. Women don't sit in the sister circle and talk about the crazy, the stalking, the impolite - all the things that men are vilified for and therefore, I think more women think they are more desirable than they really are. How many times have you met a woman making 6 figures, nice car, beautiful, fine as hell, well traveled, and intelligent, but still single? I've met MORE than my fair share and I've told each of them the same thing and that's that - while I love being their friends - the treatment that they give me would not fly in a relationship. Those sisters' resumes are stellar, but unfortunately you don't date a resume. That's my rant. It's a ton of good brothers out there - it's just that some of them are wrapped in small height, slim frames, different hues, different income ranges, and it just doesn't get the same weight. If you want the question more accurate to what women are saying in general terms (because there are bad brothers out there, just like there are bad sisters) - it's that there is an overall lack of 'good' men who happen to be tall, handsome, well off, well traveled, strong, yet sensitive, gentle, but still protective - yada, yada, yada. The definition of good is paramount to really answer that question.

Don R. writes:

I hear this all the time, almost everywhere nevertheless It's a joke. I would like to consider myself to be a man of your own persuasion - single and straight - as well. There are definitely quality women out in the A-T-L, unfortunately it just seems that it takes me a bit longer than I'd like to find them. I'm almost at the point where I could care less if I meet single girls anymore and I've all but abandoned the traditional "channels" to find dates. Are guys and gals both feeling this mutual frustrating and that explains why we see so many singles in their early to mid-30s?

Elizabeth writes:

It's not that there is a lack of good guys. There is a lack of good AVAILABLE guys. Now, guys don't seem to complain about there being too few good girls. I think the reasoning to this is threefold. First of all, guys don't seem to be in as much of a rush to find a long-term match. Secondly, guys don't seem to hold as much of a taboo about dating women their friends have dated. (I think that is because men can more easily separate "hooking up" from "dating"). Thirdly, women seem to be more accommodating than men, and many women will try to fit a guy's lifestyle. So it seems to men that there ARE a lot of good matches, mostly because these women change themselves to be a good match. It's like the car commercial where you see the girl go through a bunch of different boyfriends (the hippie, the biz exec, etc., and HER outfit changes to match each boyfriend.) The solution for women looking for good men? Broaden your social circles. Enjoy friendships with men before emotionally investing in them. Don't act so desperate, don't settle, and for goodness sake, NEVER CHANGE WHO YOU ARE! It simply won't work.

Kim A. writes:

I think because women encounter the lack of definite quality men more often but I can concur that there are women that lack substance as well.

Shara writes:

See response to question 4... and thermos!!! Continuing with that response, let's just say that it's a crying shame... When the women finally divorce the men who are disguised as Peter Pan, they're all thrown into the "pool of pickins'". The sad part of all this is that, while women will typically look at how their behavior contributed to the demise of their relationship, men are either incapable or unwilling to do that.... so they don't "learn" from their previous relationship and continue to go "out there" and recreate the same crap. For weeks now I've been saying that the stupidity (OK, that was harsh... let's call it childness) of men is making the Dr. Laura's, Dr. Phil's, and John Grays of the world disgustingly rich!!! The people that really NEED to be listening to them are the very ones that aren't - they're the very ones that think all those folks are arrogant, belligerent and so-on... The ones that ARE listening are listening to receive the validation that they're thinking is not crazy!!! What really scares me is that all these men have mothers... I HAVE to believe that their mothers did not teach them to behave the way they do... I have a theory that there's a "gene" that kicks in with guys when they turn 19... it doesn't matter WHAT their mother taught them - it all travels south to their "little heads"... Okay, okay - so that's not always true - sometimes it's that society doesn't offer up "education" on how to treat other people - we're so focused on perpetuating capitalism yet then we tell folks to think about what would be on their headstones... the old job vs. relationship quandary!

7) Why is communication between the sexes at an all time low? My suggestion, ladies and fellas, spend more time talking to the opposite sex and less time talking to the same when it comes to serious relationship issues.

Shelli B. writes:

Communication is an art! It is a giving and sharing between two people. So many times in communicating, I have people listening, rather arming themselves with their next sentence while I am speaking. So are they really listening to me? I don't think the issue is that we do not know how to speak to each other. I think we do not no how to adequately listen. Then we can truly receive what the other person has to share with us.

T. Boyd writes:

Communication is at a all time low, because too many people feel that once they have a dispute in a relationship, that's it, time to go. Or they will let things build up and build up, which eventually results in a blow up. And a lot of times, it's a case where as one of the parties may have something or someone, on the backburner, waiting for that perfect time of explosion to leave. Sort of like the grass is greener on the other side. Well reality is that it isn't. If people learn how to communicate more, and I do mean effectively, which means no yelling, cursing and what have you, things would be soo much better. We have to realize if we're all adults, and will have difference of opinion from time to time, that's what makes us individuals. However those differences have to come with some form of both parties willing to make changes or bend to make the relationship better. If not, no relationship will last. The main reason for breakups are financial and lack of communication. Therefore time needs to be taken to have time one on one, go to dinner in a nice quiet restaurant and talk, go to the park, etc. Bottom line, communication is very important to a healthy relationship. But communication is not to be confused with nagging either, there is a difference.

Tony J. writes:

All individuals, male or female, should be asking themselves "What makes me a good man/woman"? Is it because you possess a good job, good looks and good self establishment (the typical reasons for being a good mate)? Hell No! Those are things you are supposed to have in the first place! A lot of women that I meet are complaining that there are not enough good men in the world and wonder why they can't find a "good man". Kebo, most of these women have it going on in the general sense, but are complete paper boxes! All women believe they are good women and are usually stubborn in changing their ways of doing things (why? Because "they are a good women and do things well already"...go figure). So many women I meet have been sitting at home complaining with their girls that when they meet a good man, they don't know how to date or romance the intellect between two individuals (it goes both ways, but a GOOD woman will say they have to charm...BS). No character, no culture ("why all these white folks hangin' out here...lets go to Justin's") and just don't plain think outside of the box. I'm going to kill the next woman that says their into art and have never been to the High or know of Faye's galleries... If a woman can't find a good man, she needs to first look at her self and ask, "What makes me different from every other female in my "league"?" In Atlanta, a female having her good job, a big ass, looks together, house, car and own money doesn't get it because MOST women in Atlanta have that too. What are you bringing to the table that you aren't already supposed to have?

Brent D. writes:

Because folks coming with tha same ol' game. Women ain't hearing nothing new, fella's ain't bending, nor coming up with much new game. Until this impass passes fella's are gonna be subsiding off "chickens" if you know what I mean. And sista's are going to be talking amongst themselves, which I hate to say, isn't serving them very well, sista's are even 'slick/greasy' amongst themselves, dogging their man to their girl, and then their girl moves in on her disgruntle man. I've seen that a few times. But communication is going to be the key to all of these questions, women have to lead on this front because it's just not man's nature to want to be doing a lot of talking. But if women, I hate to say 'trick us' into it with compelling conversation about something interesting and not gossip, and 'I want' conversations we are going to be just find, this just a short period in time, life is a marathon, not a sprint.

Joann writes:

Since we all know that men and women communicate differently - I think that it boils down to people taking the time to learn the communication styles of the opposite sex. There are several good books and many articles written on the differing communication styles... but few of us take the time to read these and practice the techniques they impart.

Elizabeth writes:

It seems like everyone wants to date before they develop any sort of friendship. If you meet a cool guy, you want to DATE the guy before you develop a friendship with him. Once you date, you emotionally (and in many cases, physically) attach to someone you really don't know that well. We all seem to be so quick to be accommodating and put forth the image of the ideal mate to win over someone we hardly know. No one seems to be themselves, and these relationships have a hard time lasting in the age when divorces are the norm. Once we get used to having a relationship, we don't want to communicate & let our guard down, under the fear of losing them. But a relationship can not survive like this. TV is riddled with shows that are based on this -- forget get-to-know-you conversation, they skip right to get-to-marry-you (Bachelor, Joe Millionaire, etc. etc.). Why not take a more deliberate route and try to be friends with people first? Well, the answer is simple. Fear of competition. Part of this is because of the competition between women here in Atlanta, even among friends, for a "good guy" as they're referred to. Once a female finds a guy that is somewhat interesting, they are sure to mark this guy as "hands off/off limits". It seems like everyone is playing Musical Chairs, and with the fear of being left without a chair, people will match themselves up with anything available. By jumping on a guy we hardly know, we then make it impossible, or very awkward, for them to date any of our friends, who they might have been better suited for in the first place. So then, for us single girls, it seems like there are NO available guys because all the good ones have probably dated, or at least hooked up with, someone we're friends with. To add insult to injury, these are likely the guys you have to choose from since they run in the same circles.

Kim A. writes:

I think that we often don't truly listen to each other and we make various assumptions, often relying on past experiences as indicators as to how we evaluate others.

Shari writes:

Of course, in the end, it all boils down to communication... or the lack thereof. People say the money is the root of all evil... I adamantly disagree... communication (lack thereof) is the root of all evil... we "expect" without communicating what we expect... we "need" without communicating our needs, we "project" our own beliefs, perceptions, and experiences without understanding those of our partners'... and so on and so on... and then, more often than not - if we do attempt to communicate any of things, since the other person is doing the same thing - and / or toss in inability to be honest with ourselves, the quickness with which 'defense mechanisms' pop up... and what we have, friends... is one GREAT BIG TANGLED MESS... Something that men haven't realized is that women "put up" with much more of men's "quirky" behaviors than men give us credit for. Women are very good at taking responsibility for men's behaviors for many, many reasons... (many of which are very subliminal)... however, women will attempt to keep a relationship together until they just can't stand it anymore... all the while they've been trying to "communicate" with their partner, their partner was viewing them as a nag and a bitch... to the point where when the woman has finally had enough and leave, the man is left standing there, scratching his balls, wondering "what happened"? Then, in order to keep the mask of denial firmly planted to his face, he continues to believe that she was a nag and bitch without taking even one second to "own up" (oops - there's that being responsible and accountable again...) to how their own behaviors contributed to the woman being a nag and a bitch... We should all pull our copies of Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus down from the shelf and read it backwards... Women are from Mars, Men are from Venus... 'cause when you boil it all down to the least common denominator -we ALL want the same EXACT things... we all want to be loved, we all want to be acknowledged for who we are - warts and all, we all want to be appreciated, we all have the same feelings, and so on and so on... we just haven't accepted nor been "open" to believing that we each have varying ways of going about "attracting", "receiving" or "giving" those things... And how simple it could all be if we all just learned to behave and act from our hearts and not from our heads... I've seen the biggest "creeps" be totally AWESOME when they're acting and talking from their hearts... with LOVE... if we could all just take responsibility for ourselves and know our own selves well enough instead of wanting someone else to understand us for us... then maybe our "expectations" wouldn't leave us so friggin' disappointed... Maybe, must maybe, we could all be just like "Bogey and Bacall"... start looking at "chick flick" movies as training classes for having the fairy tale... "just like the movies" can be "just like real life"... if we let it... !!!!!